The Military Ruse
“You don’t know me, but I stumbled across your picture, and I couldn’t look away. You’re just stunning!”
Not many of us wouldn’t be intrigued if we saw this in our inbox on Instagram. It is the hook that many scammers use to catch the attention of women all around the world. Sometimes the writing is less articulate and full of grammar errors, but the message is the same: I don’t know you, but you’re beautiful!
The military ruse follows a very predictable pattern. They always message a potential victim through Instagram. They pour on the flattery like hot butter over popcorn. Sometimes they may send you poetry. They will call you “babe, sweetie, and love.” They are always in the US military. Almost always they are deployed overseas in Africa. Often they have a dead wife or they have been hurt by their previous girlfriend. They will often send you pictures of them in their uniform. However, an astute observer might notice that the name on their uniform doesn’t match what they say their name is, or they claim they’re in the navy but send you a picture of a man in an air force uniform. They may even send you a picture of their military ID, but if you look closely it is obvious it has been photo shopped. They will try to get you to chat with them on Google Hangouts, their preferred method of communication because they cannot be traced. Sometimes they will call you on the phone, but they will never video call you.
They will then begin to create intimacy with you as they confide that they can’t stop thinking about you. They will reveal that they have never met anyone like you before, and usually within just a few short days they will confess their undying love. Usually within 24 to 48 hours after that declaration of love, they will ask for money or gift cards. Sometimes they will slow down a bit if they sense their potential victim is getting wary, but almost always the “relationship” progresses very fast.
These scammers are individuals in third world countries who have used this ruse, and many others, to successfully take hundreds of thousands of dollars from unsuspecting, eager-for-love victims. They use every social media site including creating fake profiles to infiltrate dating apps. It is very important to keep your mind in full gear while you are looking for love. Each scammer has several ruses he/she uses, but the military ruse is quite popular on Instagram. So, if you see any of the telltale signs of the ruse, here is what you can do:
- Remember that Instagram is NOT a dating app. If someone approaches you on this app and tries to start a relationship with you out of thin air, be very wary.
- Do a reverse Google search on their pictures. Most scammers have stolen pictures off of Facebook or other sites. There’s a good chance you will find out who the image belongs to by doing a reverse image search.
- Ask the person to video call you or Face Time you. If they’re a scammer, they will give you an excuse as to why they can’t. With the military ruse, they will usually say it’s because they are deploying soon so they are too busy or they aren’t allowed to because they are on a secret mission.
- Remember, real love and emotion takes time to develop. If they are professing love after knowing very little about you, it’s not love—it’s a lure.
- Learn to be skeptical of everyone! When you are honestly searching for a relationship, it is hard to engage your brain once your heart gets put into gear. Scammers know this. They send you sweet messages. They flatter you. They know if they can get your heart involved, you will likely turn off your brain. That’s when they start asking for things. Don’t get tricked. At the first sign of trouble, block the person.
Some scammers are a little more sophisticated and they start with something that looks legitimate, but they all will ultimately follow the same pattern: get their victim onto Google Hangouts, profess love, and ask for money. Don’t fall prey to these schemes. They continue to use this ruse because it works! It’s time for the singles of the world to shut these pathetic scammers down.
7 Ways To Fight Your Way To Deeper Intimacy
You’re too sensitive.
You’re jumping to conclusions.
You can’t take a joke.
You blow everything out of proportion.
You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
You don’t have a sense of humor.
You see everything in the worst possible light.
You take things too seriously.
You feel too much.
Your imagination is working overtime.
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
You think you know it all.
You always have to have something to complain about.
You’re trying to start something.
You’re not happy unless you’re complaining.
You take everything wrong.
You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
You read things into my words.
You twist everything around.
You’re looking for a fight.
By saying any of these things to you, your partner is telling you that your feelings and perceptions are wrong. In order to have a healthy relationship, you must have intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and understand another’s feelings and experiences is empathetic comprehension. The intimacy of a relationship cannot be achieved if one person is unwilling to share himself and is unable to support his partner in an empathetic way. Not only does it create distance in the relationship, it is utterly destructive to the self-esteem and well-being of the victim.
So, what do you do when you have come to the realization that your partner is emotionally and/or verbally abusive? Be prepared that this epiphany will be extremely painful. It will leave you second-guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself, the world, and your SO. Once you have processed the initial shock, here are the steps that you need to take:
- Get professional counseling support. Find a counselor who is experienced with verbal and emotional abuse. It’s important for you to identify in yourself the false beliefs you have that made it easy for you to fall victim to this type of abuse. You may be a people-pleaser. You may have low self-esteem. You may have past childhood trauma. A therapist will help you address these issues.
- Ask your mate to go to this counselor with you. Firmly and clearly tell him you want to create a healthier relationship and invite them to go with you. If he is unwilling, then go yourself. You cannot control what anyone else does. He will have to choose to recognize that there is a problem and be willing to fix it.
- Start setting limits. State clearly what you will and will not tolerate. Bringing his attention to the abuse may help him begin to see when he is being abusive. However, it is possible he will continue to refuse to hear anything you have to say. To help you set limits, use this sentence stem: If you ___________ . I’ll ____________. The important part of setting limits is that you enforce them. If your SO learns that you won’t follow your own rules, then he won’t either.
- Stay in the present. Let the past go. The goal is to call your SO on every abuse moving forward to help them identify and correct the pattern. Enforce your limits.
- You can leave an abusive situation at any time. In some cases, verbal abuse is followed by physical abuse. If you are fearful that you are in danger, leave.
- Ask for changes you want in your relationship. Now is the time to be assertive. Be explicit in your requests for change in your relationship. Your partner cannot read your mind. Invite them to help you build a new pattern that will take you into the future in a healthy, fulfilled way.
If you would like more information about this topic, I highly recommend Patricia Evan’s The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It is easy to read, informative and motivational book that can help you take control of your relationship. In it, she shares this list of Relationship Rights. These are great concepts to judge any relationship by.
Basic Rights in a Relationship:
The right to goodwill from others.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your SO has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
If you are in a healthy, fulfilling relationship then continue to nurture the intimacy between you. Cherish your partner. Nurture them. Love them. Never leave the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. If you have discovered that abuse is an issue, promise yourself to take action. No one deserves to be ignored, belittled, or taken for granted.
If you or someone you know is being verbally or emotionally abused or in a domestic violence suitation please reach out to someone you trust. Violence never is ok under any circumstance! It should not be taken lightly. Please seek help from a trusted trained professional or contact the proper authorities.
15 Types Of Verbal and Emotional Abuse
Have you ever heard any of the following from your SO?
- “You’re trying to start a fight.”
- “You just want to be right.”
- You don’t feel that way.”
- You’re too sensitive.”
- You’re making it a bigger deal than it is.”
Someone who is verbally or emotionally abusive will often use statements like these in a conscious or subconscious attempt to control their partner. They make these statements definitively as if they lived within their partner’s body/mind/soul and actually knew these things to be true!
Verbal and emotional abuse is a kind of battering which doesn’t leave evidence comparable to physical abuse, and so many do not see it as abuse at all. In fact, many see it as just a difference of opinions or personalities. Nothing could be further from the truth. This subtle abuse can be just as painful and the recovery from it can be longer than for victims of physical abuse. The victim of abuse lives in a gradually more confusing realm. In public, she/he is with one person, but in private it’s a different story. Diminishing or angry outbursts, cool indifference or one-upmanship, witty sarcasm or silent withholding, manipulative coercion or unreasonable demands are common occurrences. They all have one thing in common: the “what’s wrong with you?” attitude. Victims of this abuse often start to feel crazy. No one usually sees the abuse, and so the victim is left doubting it is even real.
If you have been verbally abused, you have been told in subtle and explicit ways that your perception of reality is wrong and that your feelings are wrong. As a result, you may doubt your own experiences and very gradually start to lose your voice and yourself. The most shocking part about verbal and emotional abuse is so few people realize it when it’s happening to them. Most people just have a feeling that something is wrong in their relationship. They figure it is something they are doing or not doing, but they truly don’t know how to fix it. They may read books, blogs, or seek out counseling, but until they recognize the signs for what they are, nothing constructive can happen.
The following evaluation comes from the book
Take a few moments to reflect on your relationship and see if any of these ring true for you.
He seems to be irritated or angry with you several times a week or more although you hadn’t meant to upset him. You are surprised each time. (He says he’s not mad when you ask him what he’s mad about, or he tells you in some way that it’s your fault.)
When you feel hurt and try to discuss your upset feelings with her, you don’t feel as if the issue has been fully resolved, so you don’t feel happy and relieved, nor do you have a feeling that you’ve “kissed and made up.”
You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses because you can’t get him to understand your intentions.
You are upset not so much about concrete issues—how much time to spend with each other, where to go on vacation, etc.—as about the communication in the relationship: what she thinks you said and what you heard her say.
You sometimes wonder, “What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t feel so bad.”
He rarely, if ever, seems to want to share his thoughts or plans with you.
She seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything you mention, and her view is not qualified by “I think” or “I believe” or “I feel”—as if your view were wrong and hers was right.
You sometimes wonder if he perceives you as a separate person.
You can’t recall saying to her, “Cut it out!” or, “Stop it!”
He is either angry or “has no idea what you’re talking about” when you try to discuss an issue with him.
She often denies certain conversations even happened. When you attempt to summarize the conversation in an attempt to remind her, she becomes even more enraged.
He often threatens you when he’s angry. (“Pack your crap and leave.” Or, “I’ll file divorce papers tomorrow.”)
She gives you the silent treatment when she is angry and refuses to work through an issue. While it is often healthy to take a break and let emotions settle during an argument, a prolonged silent treatment is an emotional abuse.
He withholds affection from you as a form of punishment (intentionally or unintentionally.)
You feel like if you could only find the “right” way to speak, act, or be then things would get better.
If you have agreed with two or more of these statements, there is a very good chance that your SO is verbally and emotionally abusive. It’s important to remember, that the vast majority of individuals who abuse their loved one verbally or emotionally are completely unaware they are doing it. They may have learned these destructive patterns in their childhood. The good news is that a person can learn to recognize these destructive behaviors within themselves and change them.
Victims of verbal and emotional abuse live in different realities than their partners. In healthy relationships, when a person expresses their feelings, their partner listens carefully and then validates them. In an abusive relationship, the person dismisses or diminishes their partner’s feelings. The general guideline is if the words or attitude displayed by your partner disempower, disrespect, or devalue you, then they are abusive.
So, what should you do if you identify yourself in any of this? First, if you have discovered that you are the abuser—congratulations! Now you can seek out professional help and learn healthy ways to foster a relationship. You CAN overcome this. Second, if you are the victim you need to be proactive about stopping the abuse. Seeking out a trained professional would be helpful for you as well. In part two of this article, I will share with you some ideas of what you can begin to do today to start taking control of your life back. But know this—you must do something to change the pattern! Hoping that if you are nice enough and given enough they will change is not the right strategy. They won’t! You need to use this information to empower yourself to demand the respect you deserve from your relationship.
Recovering from a devastating break up is similar to a community recovering from a natural disaster. You do a lot of looking back and analyzing—trying to understand how you missed the signs and how you allowed yourself to be so unprepared for the imminent destruction that was headed your way. You are paralyzed with guilt for being so stupid and gullible. If only I had seen the red flags you yell at yourself! But upon further reflection, you are forced to acknowledge that you did see them. You saw ALL of them, but in the bliss and excitement, the lust and yearning for love your radar detector dims and you dismiss the signs. You are eager to forgive “little” mistakes because you want your partner to forgive you your foibles as well. However, over time the little mistakes begin to form a pattern of behavior and if you aren’t purposeful in how you approach a relationship, one of two things will happen: a catastrophic break up after you have lost your sense of self and any self-esteem you had OR you marry your partner and have a nightmare of a marriage that leads to a toxic divorce that leaves you breathless and quivering without a shred of dignity or self-respect.
Sounds fun, doesn’t it? So, how can you avoid this disaster? You have to be purposeful. You have to make a commitment to step out of the fantasy, momentarily, and record your thoughts and impressions and identify red flags while your relationship develops. Yes, hindsight is 20/20, but if you take some time to journal your relationship and track what is happening, you can see a pattern as it develops. Then you can use this information to create boundaries, make decisions, and end relationships if necessary.
The Gottman Institute recommends that you record each time your partner displays a red flag. You can draw them on a blank sheet of paper. Get out your red crayons and color in the boxes. Then, as you date, if your partner displays one of the red flags below, record the date and the details in one of the red flags on your sheet. Over time, you will be able to tell if there is a pattern or if they are just mistakes, which we all make. This is a powerful visual that can help you more clearly see what is happening in your relationship.
- Lack of communication skills.
- Irresponsible, immature, unpredictable behavior.
- Lack of trust.
- Your significant family and friends don’t like him/her.
- Controlling behaviors.
- You feel insecure in the relationship.
- They have a dark or secretive past.
- They have a history of not resolving past relationships.
- Abusive behavior of any kind.
- They push your physical boundaries.
- They tell you you’re perfect all of the time.
- The roll their eyes at you.
- They call all their exes crazy.
- They call you names during arguments.
- They have no work ethic.
- They are cruel or disrespectful to their parents.
- Their attitude or moods shift swiftly.
- They guilt trip you for everything.
- They make you feel stupid.
- The relationships is built on the need to feel needed.
Obviously, some of these are more severe than others, but they are ALL red flags. They ALL lead to toxic relationships. If you have a hard time being objective while you are being swept off your feet in the beginning of a relationship, consider using this visual activity to help you track your partner’s red flags. Use the information from the visual and trust your gut! Once you are sure there is a pattern, end the relationship immediately. April Mae Monterrosa said, “The red flags are usually there, you just have to keep your eyes open wider than your heart.” This strategy is one way to help you do that. Set yourself up for success in love and you will find it!
Sarah was a beautiful, vivacious 25-year-old attorney. She had just landed her dream job at a competitive firm in New York. Her family and friends were wildly excited for her. Finally, it seemed that Sarah was reaping the rewards of all of her hard work. Law school had been tremendously hard, and Sarah had struggled getting through it while juggling several dysfunctional relationships with men. Finally, it seemed she could leave the struggle behind.
Although starting this new job meant flying across the country and leaving behind her support system, Sarah didn’t mind. She knew the long hours she would have to put in at the firm meant she would have little time for a social life any way. She said a tearful goodbye to her family and friends, boarded the plane with an optimistic smile, and flew towards her dreams.
Sarah really thrived in New York. McFarland & Sons was a multi-billion dollar law practice that rarely hired anyone straight out of law school. She always arrived an hour before the other attorneys, and she stayed long past the time they all left. She often took work home with her too. To say that she loved her job would be an understatement.
One day, a handsome delivery boy brought in a delivery for Sarah. Her friends back home had sent her flowers. How thoughtful she thought. I wonder if they picked out the hot delivery boy too. She giggled at her own joke. “Are you Sarah Jenkins?” he asked in a deep, baritone voice that sounded like it belonged on Broadway instead of coming out of the mouth of a delivery boy. “Yes, I’m Sarah,” she stammered. “Here’s a delivery for you,” he smiled. “Please sign here.”
Sarah was caught off guard by his handsome face and melodic voice that when she grabbed for the pen she fumbled it, and it flipped out of her hand and hit him in the nose. “Oh no!” Sarah cried out. “I’m so sorry. I’m not usually that clumsy,” she apologized. There was a streak of blue pen on his nose. Sarah was unsure if she should try to wipe it away or if that was too weird. After a long awkward moment, he bent down to pick up the pen and handed it back to Sarah.
“No worries, Sarah. Please sign here, and then I’ll be out of your hair.” Sarah carefully reached for the pen this time, signed her name, and then grabbed the box. “Thank you um …” she paused waiting for him to fill in the answer. “Jeff, my name’s Jeff,” he replied. “Thanks Jeff. I’m sorry. I got pen on your nose. You’ll probably want to wipe that off before you do any more deliveries.” Jeff reached up and rubbed his nose. “Oh boy! I guess I will go take care of that. Thanks for the heads-up. Have a great day, Sarah.” He winked at her and then walked out the door. Sarah couldn’t help but watch him walk away until he was completely out of sight. She noticed butterflies thrashing around inside her stomach. Oh no! This was not happening. She was not going to get involved with any men. She was much too busy, and she was always unlucky in love.
However, life had a different plan for Sarah. The following morning Jeff went back to McFarland & Sons and asked Sarah if she would like to go to dinner. Sarah was hesitant. She had a bad track record with men. Her past relationships had always started off well, but then the Prince Charmings morphed into beasts after a few months’ time.
But, Jeff was so charming and handsome that Sarah could not refuse. During the first few months of their relationship, Jeff was warm, thoughtful, and exciting. She learned that Jeff was an aspiring singer and actor. He was in New York chasing his dream to become a singer and actor. He was working odd jobs to pay the bills, but most of the time he had to crash at his friend’s apartments because he did not make enough to pay his rent. Jeff told Sarah about how hard it was to catch a break in acting and how expensive it was. Sarah enjoyed being with Jeff. She was flattered that someone like him would even be interested in her. She was sympathetic with his struggles, so she paid for all their dates. She knew Jeff felt bad that he could not pay right now, but that would change once he got his first big break. Besides, she had a great job, and she was happy to help.
After a few months, Sarah began to become obsessed with Jeff. She was determined to help him be successful. When she was not at work, she would spend time researching agents for Jeff to interview or looking for auditions for him. She knew Jeff could not afford an agent, so she offered to pay for one. Jeff was grateful, of course, and then he said that if he had an agent he would also need acting lessons, singing, lessons, and a photography shoot. All of these were costly, but Sarah happily gave the money to Jeff. She was invested in him and his future.
As the months passed, Jeff’s behavior began to change. He became moody and entitled. He demanded that Sarah let him move in with her so that he could have a stable roof over his head. He blamed his failing his recent auditions on not having a stable place to live. When she told him she wasn’t sure about living together, he became enraged. He yelled and cursed at her. For the first time, Sarah was frightened of Jeff. She asked him to leave. He kicked the door on the way out and left a hole in it.
The following day Jeff apologized and blamed his poor behavior on his dysfunctional childhood. He spent the next few hours confessing to Sarah that his mother had abused him as a child and that is why he had yelled at her the previous night. Sarah was really touched by this confession. She felt honored that Jeff trusted her enough to confide in her. She vowed to help him heal his emotional wounds and become a successful adult.
But, as the days went by, Jeff’s behavior became more chaotic. The smallest thing would set him off. He would yell and kick the wall. Often he would call Sarah demeaning names. And sometimes he would disappear for days at a time with no explanation. When he returned, Sarah noticed he had lipstick on his collar but never dared ask him about where it came from. Ironically, as the relationship deteriorated and Sarah’s heart felt the mounting pain from Jeff’s actions, the more she felt committed to “saving” him. She knew if she could only love him enough then he would change.
One night after a particularly bad screaming match with Jeff, Sarah locked herself in her room. She called her best friend, Julie, and confided in her about her new relationship. As carefully and lovingly as Julie could, she said, “Sarah, I hate to tell you this, but your old pattern is back. Jeff sounds just like Tim and Steve. Sure, the details are different, but the pattern is the same. You’re trying to rescue another lost puppy and now it’s gone rabid and it’s attacking you.” Sarah sobbed. “Why does this keep happening? You would think I could spot a loser a mile away! I’m a lost cause.”
Are you like Sarah? Do you have a pattern of forming relationships with men where you sacrifice your own needs for safety, love, and comfort for someone else? How would you answer the following questions?
- Are most of your conversations with friends (or family) about him, his problems, his thoughts, and his feelings?
- Do you excuse his moodiness, bad temper, indifference, put-downs as problems because he had a bad childhood, a stressful job, a tough life?
- Do you read self-help books and underline things you think will help him?
- Do you dislike many of his basic characteristics, values, behaviors but put up with them because you think you can change him?
- Does your relationship with him jeopardize your emotional well-being or physical safety?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you may be a woman who loves too much. In our culture, women have been conditioned through music that love should be painful. Rarely do love songs become number one hits if they talk about two people who have a mature, balanced, respectful relationship. Songs only become a hit if someone is willing to die for love, sacrifice everything for love, bleed for love, or cut out their heart for love. It is no wonder that around 30% of all women find themselves in relationships that are extremely dysfunctional and that this pattern repeats itself until one of three things happen: (1) she gives up on relationships, (2) love does kill her, or (3) she identifies the pattern and gets help.
Women who love too much have several common characteristics. Do any of these describe you?
- They come from dysfunctional homes where their emotional needs were not met.
- They try to fill their emotional needs vicariously by becoming a caregiver to men who appear needy.
- They are terrified of abandonment.
- They will do anything to save a relationship.
- They will sacrifice anything to help the man they’re with.
- They’re accustomed to a lack of love in a relationship, and so they’re willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please their man.
- They’re willing to take far more than 50% of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in a relationship.
- They have critically low levels of self-esteem.
- They have a desperate need to control their man because they had little security in childhood.
- They are more in touch with the dream of their relationship than with the reality of it.
- They are addicted to men and emotional pain.
- They may be predisposed to chemical/food addictions.
- They have a tendency towards depression.
- They use sex as a tool to manipulate their man.
- They are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable, or who are interested in them. They find them boring.
So, what do you do if you see yourself in any of these descriptions?
First, do not despair. There is something you can do. Make your recovery a priority. You cannot break this pattern on your own. Find a therapist who can help you work through the issues that are keeping you locked in this pattern. Most of the research I’ve read strongly suggests that women see women therapists. If possible, find a female therapist near you and tell her you think you are a woman who loves too much. Second, find a support group. Your therapist can recommend one for you. Third, develop your spiritual side. Set aside some time daily to get in touch with your higher power. Invite him or her into your life. Ask for help and guidance as you tackle this problem. Meditate. Fourth, stop managing and controlling others. This will be a hard one. This has become a skill you have used to “love” others, but it is self-serving. You need to find more genuine ways to connect with people. Fifth, make a commitment to cultivate what needs to be developed in you. Make a list of talents, skills, or abilities that you would like to work on. Set short-term and long-term goals to help you develop yourself in these areas. These will help you fill the void that you have been trying to fill by your dysfunctional relationships with men. Instead of “mothering” needy men, spend time mothering yourself.
Loving too much is just like any other addiction–it is a dysfunctional coping strategy that must be treated with a professional’s help. The good news is women who have loved too much can have healthy, successful relationships in their future! So, take advantage of the help that is available for you and set yourself up for success when you are on datingsafe.com. Love does not have to hurt. In fact, it shouldn’t. Period.
Information for this article was adapted from Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. I also recommend the book Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel