7 Ways To Fight Your Way To Deeper Intimacy
You’re too sensitive.
You’re jumping to conclusions.
You can’t take a joke.
You blow everything out of proportion.
You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
You don’t have a sense of humor.
You see everything in the worst possible light.
You take things too seriously.
You feel too much.
Your imagination is working overtime.
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
You think you know it all.
You always have to have something to complain about.
You’re trying to start something.
You’re not happy unless you’re complaining.
You take everything wrong.
You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
You read things into my words.
You twist everything around.
You’re looking for a fight.
By saying any of these things to you, your partner is telling you that your feelings and perceptions are wrong. In order to have a healthy relationship, you must have intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and understand another’s feelings and experiences is empathetic comprehension. The intimacy of a relationship cannot be achieved if one person is unwilling to share himself and is unable to support his partner in an empathetic way. Not only does it create distance in the relationship, it is utterly destructive to the self-esteem and well-being of the victim.
So, what do you do when you have come to the realization that your partner is emotionally and/or verbally abusive? Be prepared that this epiphany will be extremely painful. It will leave you second-guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself, the world, and your SO. Once you have processed the initial shock, here are the steps that you need to take:
- Get professional counseling support. Find a counselor who is experienced with verbal and emotional abuse. It’s important for you to identify in yourself the false beliefs you have that made it easy for you to fall victim to this type of abuse. You may be a people-pleaser. You may have low self-esteem. You may have past childhood trauma. A therapist will help you address these issues.
- Ask your mate to go to this counselor with you. Firmly and clearly tell him you want to create a healthier relationship and invite them to go with you. If he is unwilling, then go yourself. You cannot control what anyone else does. He will have to choose to recognize that there is a problem and be willing to fix it.
- Start setting limits. State clearly what you will and will not tolerate. Bringing his attention to the abuse may help him begin to see when he is being abusive. However, it is possible he will continue to refuse to hear anything you have to say. To help you set limits, use this sentence stem: If you ___________ . I’ll ____________. The important part of setting limits is that you enforce them. If your SO learns that you won’t follow your own rules, then he won’t either.
- Stay in the present. Let the past go. The goal is to call your SO on every abuse moving forward to help them identify and correct the pattern. Enforce your limits.
- You can leave an abusive situation at any time. In some cases, verbal abuse is followed by physical abuse. If you are fearful that you are in danger, leave.
- Ask for changes you want in your relationship. Now is the time to be assertive. Be explicit in your requests for change in your relationship. Your partner cannot read your mind. Invite them to help you build a new pattern that will take you into the future in a healthy, fulfilled way.
If you would like more information about this topic, I highly recommend Patricia Evan’s The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It is easy to read, informative and motivational book that can help you take control of your relationship. In it, she shares this list of Relationship Rights. These are great concepts to judge any relationship by.
Basic Rights in a Relationship:
The right to goodwill from others.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your SO has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
If you are in a healthy, fulfilling relationship then continue to nurture the intimacy between you. Cherish your partner. Nurture them. Love them. Never leave the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. If you have discovered that abuse is an issue, promise yourself to take action. No one deserves to be ignored, belittled, or taken for granted.
If you or someone you know is being verbally or emotionally abused or in a domestic violence suitation please reach out to someone you trust. Violence never is ok under any circumstance! It should not be taken lightly. Please seek help from a trusted trained professional or contact the proper authorities.
5 Ways To Open the Communication
Joey slammed the door behind him. Bang! This was the third argument in two weeks. What was happening? He and Julie had been dating for six months and things were glorious. They had clicked almost immediately. They had a lot in common and the chemistry they shared was off the charts. So, why couldn’t they work through these little arguments that begun to creep into their fairy tale relationship?
We all have them. Tough conversations with someone we love. The conversations where we have an internal battle between wanting to say the right things and wanting to be right, to win. Most of us know that to preserve a relationship, being right is the wrong paradigm; the kiss of death. So, what can you say when you find yourself retreating to your corner and pulling out your favorite words or phrases that signal to your loved one your superiority?
Dr. Brene Brown, professor, the author suggests the following questions or sentence starters:
- I’m curious about . . . If your SO has made a statement, accusation, or criticism instead of shutting down the conversation by responding with one of your favorite conversation-ending quips, try using this instead. Staying curious about your SO is the best way to learn more about them and deepen the relationship. It invites them to continue to be vulnerable with you.
- Tell me more . . . This sentence starter can help you get more of the story, understand their thinking, and even uncover underlying childhood baggage your SO may still be carrying around. The key to this is to listen without judgment. Resist the urge to correct what they may share with you. Look at it as an opportunity to learn more about how your SO views the world.
- Walk me through that . . . This phrase can help you gently investigate the thought process of your SO, especially if you truly do not understand how they arrived at their conclusion. Listen patiently and attentively as they explain to you how they reached their conclusions. Remember, their logic may not be the same as yours, so this may be an opportunity to build understanding and empathy.
- What’s your passion around this? This is an excellent question to use when your SO has proposed something to you that they’re excited about but you just don’t get it. Do they want to become a pickle ball champion? Are they determined to run 100 marathons? Do they want to change careers? Any of these revelations could be shocking to you, but give them the opportunity to share their passion with you. At this point, don’t try to discourage them by looking at logistics. Just watch their eyes light up as they share their enthusiasm with you.
- Tell me why this doesn’t fit/work for you. This can help you in a conversation when you are negotiating or compromising on anything. Often when couples disagree, they shut down the conversation by not investigating the underlying objections their partner has. The key to having this work is to listen to what they say and be compassionate.
Using these words and phrases can help you avoid those awful stalemates that end with you driving off in your car angry and cursing your SO. These sentence starters signal to your loved one that you value them as a partner and that you sincerely want to understand where they are coming from. You may not completely embrace their perspective, but if you truly care about that person, you owe it to them to empathize with their reality. Successful couples know that if approached correctly, disagreements are an opportunity to increase your intimacy and strengthen your bond. It helps you avoid building contempt which, according to Gottman, is the grim reaper of relationships. There is nothing more beautiful than to have someone look you in the eye, pull you close, and tell you that even though they disagree with you, they value and love you more than they love their ego. That, my friends, is how true love is built.
5 Ways To Say No! The Disease to Please
If you’re like me, you often feel pressured to say yes to every request. Can you make cupcakes for Wednesday’s bake sale? Sure! After school, will you run carpool for soccer practice? You bet! Can you make dinner for Mrs. Jones who just had surgery? Absolutely! Did I truly want to say yes to any of those requests? No. The reality is that I say yes to every request because I am motivated by that dreaded disease: the disease to please. And, as a result, I end up overscheduling myself into an exhausted lump of quivering flesh by the end of the week. Not only do I end up giving my second best to my children, I leave little to no time for myself.
A while ago, after several sessions with my therapist, I had an epiphany about my disease. I discovered I was trying to become this ideal superwoman who could work full time, take care of her children, teach piano lessons, take classes for personal improvement, and serve others whenever asked. If someone asked me to do something, I always answered yes because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. If I couldn’t think of a really good reason for saying no, like a conflict in schedules, I would always feel guilty if I didn’t say yes. What my therapist helped me realize is that saying no to a request is actually saying yes to yourself. He emphasized that I should say yes to myself as frequently as possible especially to meet emotional needs, desires, and dreams. Further, he emphasized, that saying no is an essential skill in life and that there are many ways to do it in a positive, relationship-affirming way.
- Saying no can save relationships. If you find yourself always saying yes to your SO, you may be slowly building resentment between the two of you. If your SO wants to go fishing every Saturday and you say yes but inside you feel like you would like him to fish only once or twice a month, then you need to articulate this to him. If you say yes and then resent him for it, that resentment is like a poison that builds up and destroys relationships.
- Saying no is a form of self-care. It is vital for your own health to know where your limits need to be. You only have 24 hours in each day. Eight of those need to be for sleep. What are your other obligations? What is essential? What is optional? Make sure that each day you have put yourself on your schedule. Do not give away “me time.” Guard it as carefully as you would a work meeting. Creating boundaries is not a rejection of another person. It is a compassionate way of advocating for yourself.
- When you say no, offer an alternative IF you feel like it. No doesn’t have to be the end of the conversation if you don’t want it to be. You can offer an alternative that you feel more comfortable with. If your friend wants to go out dancing for a girl’s night, but you are not comfortable with the bar scene, tell her, “I would love to spend time with you. Could we consider a different activity instead?” Don’t ignore the request or lie and say you’re busy. Be gracious and be honest. This will help you build your relationship by avoiding the trap of resentment.
- Consider the situation in reverse. Have you ever hosted a party and had a friend arrive extremely late and then only stay a few minutes? It probably really hurt your feelings. What if that friend had been honest and said that they just couldn’t make it? You may have been sad at first, but then you would’ve appreciated the honesty and not wasted the emotional energy on worrying about if/when your friend would make her appearance at your shindig. If you’re tempted to say yes when you really need to say no, remember that people will understand when you need to turn them down. They would rather you know your limitations and honor your boundaries then agree to something you simply cannot do.
- When saying no, use “I” statements. If someone wants a little more explanation when you’re turning them down, try to focus on your feelings and needs. If you don’t want to go dancing at a bar, tell your friend, “I do not enjoy the smell of alcohol. It gives me a headache, and then I feel sick the whole day after we go dancing.” This allows you to honor self and communicate your needs at the same time.
For some people, saying no is not difficult. For me, it’s extremely difficult. It feels mean. Even if I have a really great reason for saying no, I still feel like a jerk when I need to say it. What I have to remind myself is that saying no to someone is saying yes to myself. Saying yes to myself will lead to a healthier, more balanced version of me. Offering my family and friends the happiest version of me is the best gift I can give them. Steve Jobs said, “It’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.” Regardless of where you are in this journey of life, saying no will help you take time for what matters most!
After trial and error, you have finally found the one . . . the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You are blissfully in love and enjoying every second of your courtship. You begin to plan every aspect of your lives together and possibly even a wedding. What else should you be doing at this time to give your relationship the best possible chances for a long life of successful companionship?
The Gottman Institute has presented us with some excellent suggestions for creating habits that will serve any long-term relationship well. Wise couples will be purposeful and thoughtful as they craft these habits and they will pay off big dividends.
- Communicate often. Check in with your SO daily. Life will get busy and often you may only have 10 minutes to sit down and talk, but do not skip this vital habit. In order to get the most out of this habit, you should be sitting down with your SO in a quiet place so they have your complete attention. Do not have your phone or other device in your hand. Look each other in the eye and check in with each other. Share parts of your day. Confide in each other.
- Listen to your partner. Often when we are talking with our SO, we are listening to respond. Instead, we should listen to understand. What is it that they are trying to share? How are they feeling? If your partner is telling you that they had a bad or upsetting day, offer to help them in a way that would lighten their load. Perhaps offer to cook dinner or usher them into the bathroom for a hot bubble bath while you do the dishes. These tender acts of kindness will be cherished and help to build intimacy.
- Practice proper hygiene and cleanliness. When you decide to share your life with someone that also means sharing your space with them. If you tend to be on the messy side, you need to make the conscious decision to improve. Practice putting your dirty clothes into a laundry basket. Rinse out the sink after you brush your teeth. Put your dishes into the dishwasher instead of placing them in the sink after you eat. Your SO will appreciate your thoughtfulness as you begin to share space together. These may seem like little things, but over time these can become real aggravations and cause tension.
- Laugh a lot. Find ways to cheer each other up by having a good laugh together. If your SO is having a rough day, make a joke or start a pillow fight. Find a fun comedy to watch or go out for some fun that will bring smiles to your faces. Laughter increases intimacy which will strengthen your relationship.
- Kiss and hug EVERY time you say hello and goodbye. Physical touch builds emotional connections. Do not fall into the destructive pattern of coming and going without spending a few moments with your SO expressing your affection through touch. Investing these minutes into your SO will help them feel connected to you in a significant way during the day.
- Know who you are. Do not stop improving yourself. Continue to grow and learn and set goals. Make sure you have clearly defined beliefs and values and that you have communicated these with your SO. You can do this by reading books, signing up for classes, learning a new hobby, or joining a community group. Don’t allow yourself to become stagnant or this will negatively affect your relationship with your SO.
- Have a life outside your relationship. While your SO should be your whole world, the world does exist outside of them as well. Take time for yourself. Go out with your friends. Stay committed to your work schedule. If you find yourself frequently calling in sick to work, even when you’re not, just to hang out with your SO this is a red flag—you may be developing a codependent relationship. Maintain your identity that is separate from your SO and your relationship will be healthier and happier.
- Have fun! Fun comes in all shapes and sizes. It’s important to take those vacations and weekend trips. However, it’s just as important to turn work into fun. When it’s time to do chores, find fun ways to do them. Create a playlist with your SO for cleaning the house. Host a monthly game night at your home and invite your friends. Don’t ever forget date night! These should happen on a weekly basis.
Relationships take work. If you proactively begin to cultivate these healthy habits at the beginning of your relationship, then you will be on the right track to get the most happiness and satisfaction out of your relationship. You will also weather the inevitable storms that come more effectively because you will have maintained the intimacy and trust necessary to navigate the trials that you will face.
Crash! My head jerked around at the sound of breaking glass. In horror, I saw my son pull the table cloth off the table, and with it my cherished heirloom candy dish from my great-grandmother. A gasp escaped my lips and my son looked, wide-eyed into my face. A look of terror twisted his beautiful features and tears sprang to his eyes. “Mommy, oh no! Mommy! I’m so sorry. You can fix it, right?” he stammered as I knelt beside him, gently picking the broken fragments off the floor and piling them into the garbage can. I did my best to keep my anger at bay as he climbed into my lap and smothered my face with kisses. He knew what he had just done was wrong, but there was no way his four-year-old brain could possibly fathom the depth of sadness and loss I felt at that moment as I scooped the pieces of this treasure off the floor. After I was done, I held him in my arms as he continued to frantically apologize. I must admit, it was hard for me to forgive my son for what he had done. What he did was something that could not be fixed or replaced. But, he was quick to identify that he had done something wrong and offer a heart-felt apology. For the sake of our relationship, I knew I needed to work through my feelings of loss and learn to forgive him.
Whether it is a child, a best friend, or your sweetheart, there will come a time when you will do something that will hurt them. It might be something small like eating the last piece of chocolate cake that they had been eyeing all day in the fridge or something really big that cut them to their core. We will all have cause to apologize. However, not all apologies are the same. The only thing worse than no apology at all is an apology that is a non-apology; one that places the blame for the action back on the person who was hurt. Have you ever found yourself saying, “I’m sorry that I yelled, but you make me so crazy!” That is a non-apology. It excuses your poor behavior and puts the blame on the person you hurt. It takes courage to admit you were wrong and that you hurt someone you care about. It takes even more courage to stand in front of them and express your apology to their face and wait patiently for their reaction. If you find yourself expressing too many non-apologies, trying using the Why-Because formula. Explain what went wrong and then acknowledge your fault. Then follow it up with AND . . . This is the part where you propose a solution. That is the real sweet spot of an apology. This is where you show the other person you how you plan to stop that same mistake from ever happening again.
This is what it looks like. Jessica got so busy talking with her best friend Mary at lunch that she missed her boyfriend’s backyard party he threw for his new boss. Jessica knew this hurt him deeply. Instead of excusing her poor choice, she owned it outright. After the party, she sat next to Mark and said, “Mark, I am so very sorry that I missed your party. I know that you were very anxious about putting on a fun get together for your boss and coworkers and you needed me here to help you. It was selfish of me not to pay closer attention to the time. In the future, I will set alarms on my phone to make sure I’m home one time. In fact, I will make sure to schedule my lunches with Mary at a different time so there is no conflict with your important plans.” After Jessica apologizes, she needs to give Mark time to process the apology. She cannot expect him to forgive her immediately. He may need some time to let the sting of disappointment and hurt die down. What matters most is that Jessica takes full responsibility for her mistake and that she pays close attention to her words and tone while she expresses that to Mark. If she had said, “Mark, I’m sorry I missed your party, but you know how I am around Mary. Besides, I really wasn’t that interested in meeting your boss anyway. Just get over it.” That would hurt the relationship more than if she hadn’t apologized at all.
The last rule of an effective apology is to stop repeating the behavior. If you apologize to someone and then continue the behavior that hurt them, you cannot expect them to keep forgiving you. One of the best apologies is changed behavior.
Apologizing will never be easy. It requires humility, vulnerability, integrity. But it is absolutely vital for the health of all relationships. If you find that you are not apologizing on a somewhat routine basis, you may want to check and see how in-tune you are with your relationships. We are all human and as such we will be routinely stepping on someone’s toes. Apologizing isn’t something you do only when you feel you did something wrong. It is also something you do when someone feels wounded by your words or actions. Apologies are excellent tools for showing someone that you value them and the relationship more than you value your ego or being right.